Celibacy Blues......."I'm not going to chase forever"

So, it's been approximately 6 months......................

Houston, we have a problem.................

Missing this.........................................

But I've come to a point that it's not as overwhelming as it was 6 months ago. Intimacy is what I crave more than the physical act of intercourse. Of course, there are measures that have to be taken in order to bypass those teeny, not so tiny, nagging urges. Sometimes you just have to take matters into your own hands..... **sigh** That's all I have to say about that........

But it's been quite an experience. You learn a lot about yourself, what you want, don't want, and you really get to know men, all over again. It's funny, 'DWC' (dating while celibate),  is almost like being a teenager again. It's like when you're 16, you only thinking, you know what all 'boys' want. But then at 35-40, you figure, they had to have changed some in 20 years; only to find out, they call themselves MEN,  grew a beard,  lost some hair, turned a little gray, and balls are hanging a little lower, but the dick is still front and center, hardheaded(pun intended), as ever, controlling their lives.

So, I was having this discussion through email,  with a friend of mine, just  yesterday. I posed the question, to her, more of a statment, "why is it, men get to make decisions about their sex life, but I can't make decisions about mine without getting shunned?" Here's how my side of the conversation went:

I don’t wanna lead him on though. I mean, just because someone likes you, doesn’t mean you like them back, even if it seems they might have there stuff together. And I’ve explained my position to him. So, he could either wait it out, or not. I’m just not into rushing things anymore. I’m too old to just jump into things too soon. I want to “date” or not date. Doesn’t matter to me. But to a man, they are are visual creatures, which leads to physical IMMEDIATELY. LOL. And I already know that.

I’m not willing or ready to just give in because of a physical need of a man, or want of my own, because believe me, I DO WANT IT, but not like that. At least, not anymore.  I want more. And I need a man to show me that he does too, without getting physical. He hasn’t shown me that. Not to say, he doesn’t want more. But respect my decision, then work into trying to get physical later.

I don’t want to feel forced into it, because he’s pressuring or I feel obligated because what he’s doing for me.  I want to be able to be on the same accord. I’m tired of the same ole same. Show me something different. I understand you a man, but damn, respect that I’m a woman. What happen to that? You get to make decisions about your sex life, but I can’t make decisions about mine without getting shunned (I’m not going to chase forever). WTH? Well, bye then lol. I don’t care.

Yes, that's exactly what he said, "Im not going to chase forever".... It's only between 2 weeks, not even.. End of this week will be 2 weeks, and one and a half(breakfast) if you wanna call that a date. Now, I can admit, that he did something I would never have expected a man to do, just short of a week from knowing me, well, 2 things, but I'll keep that too myself.... We were supposed to go out, or meet out, and I was waiting on his phone call before heading out, because he was going to happy hour somewhere, and said he'd call after that.  I was expecting to leave home around 10:30, 11 at the latest.

Well, happy hour came and went, and then getting later in the evening/night, just before midnight, after I had curled into my bed, and he called. Well,  by then, I didn't really feel like going out at that time, but he twisted my arm into coming to his place...PAUSE... THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCMENT: Close to midnight+ he's already been to happy hour+you're going to his house= ARE YOU NUTS??? lol.. Glutton for punishment. IKR... But I'm grown, not clueless. But I digress..

On the way over, I noticed my brakes were going all the way down to the floor, just out of NOWHERE. I had driven all day without a problem. I get there, and just in conversation, say, "Well, I just found out, on the way over here, my brakes don't work." He goes, "don't worry about that, we'll get that fixed in the morning". Urrrr...RIGHT....I thought he was joking. Long story short, he did, turned out I needed a full work-up, $250. Now initally I declined his offer, but he insisted he would. I mean, how many times can you say NO, right??? lol. I even said, "I can't let you do this, not knowing where this is going, what if this doesn't work out?" He went through with it anyway. BTW... NOTHING HAPPENED....much...

Now, anyone, who knows me, would tell you, I'm not a gold digger, far from it, and have never asked a man do anything for me. And before that day, not a one has offered, to that extent...THAT SOON(Well, on our first date, he asked me to stay home from work and stay with him for the night and he'd pay for my day off).  WTH?? Are you serious?? "just wanted me to be there".... (Sounded like a reciprocal transaction to me) I'm 40, not 14. I wasn't on that. So this was something new for me. But this brings me to the idea, that I don't want to feel obligated because he offered and went through with getting my brakes put on my car. So, with that said, I can't be held responsible for YOUR actions. I didn't twist your arm to fix my car, just like I know if I had sex with you, you wouldn't have pried my legs open... well, maybe just a lil... But I want to give freely without a doubt in my mind, and that's all I'm saying.

FINAL SUMMATION IN MY EMAIL RANT:

 "So, Yeah, it would have been real easy to just go through with the do, go through the emotions. But when it was all over, and I didn't really feel anything for him, where does that leave me? I'm trying to prove something to myself, while trying to improve myself. But that would have just been a waste. And here it is, another man, that I've given it up to, without any real connection. I ain't on that."

So, again, I posed the question, why is it, men get to make decisions about their sex life, but I can't make decisions about mine without getting shunned? I'm a HOE if I do, and ALONE if I don't??? WTH???

Jill Scott

Celibacy Blues....

The stresses of this world

You know how they come down on a girl

I’m trying to clear my mind

But all I seem to find

Is this gangsta,gangsta,type of need

People say mind over matter

But,I don’t mind what they say

And it don’t matter

This here celibacy thing

Is working on me…

These are Celibacy Blues Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/